Day of Silence -- Join Me?

Goodness gracious, has it really been a year since I started this journey of mine?

Okay, rhetorical question. Don't answer, please. I feel old enough already.

Hello again, everyone, and let’s give a bit of applause for all you readers out there. Seriously. Pat yourself on the back. It’s Friday. You made it through the week. Ina few hours, classes will be over and it’ll be the weekend. Proms going on, spring storms, lovely weather, naps in the sunshine -- really, what more could I ask for?

Well, I could ask for silence.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you read that right. Today, I want you to be silent.

April 15, 2011 is the National Day of Silence, which is a day of action in which students all across the world take soem form of a vow of silence. It’s to call attention to anti-LGBT bullying and harassment and the overall effect of silence it has on the LGBT community.

I mean, there are some drawbacks to taking a vow of silence -- you don’t talk. Period. Uless you’re in a class and a teacher directly asks you something, because you have to answer, as you’d be forced to answer the question anyway whether you could speak ot not.

But think about it. Being silent for a day. Can you imagien the impact it would have? Think about all of your friends, all of your teachers and adult figures. Think of everyone you know. And now turn off the volume.

Isn’t that amazing? Think of what the world would say. the attention it would draw!

Think about the people you would help, the people you would, by staying silent, help find a voice for. It could be anyone. You brother or sister, a best friend, the person you like. It could be a parent. It could be anyone, and you could help make their life just a little bit easier.

You could make the world a little bit better.

Join me. Join my college’s Gay-Straight Alliance organization. Join GLSEN. Join thousands of other students and adults and people, people like you and me, all over the world as we spend a day in silence to call attention to the effect of anti-LGBT bullying and harassment that atkes place within out schools.

Join me, help organize this change.

Join me. Join us.

Accept the challenge.

Ever yours,
The Night Thief

Happiness, like Hope, never sleeps

I don't even... Fuck. I don't even know what's going on right now. Seriously. I'm just so...

Tired. Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. Furious. Ashamed. Relieved. Sad. Sorry. Low.

This had been one of the best weekends of my life. I'm happier than I can remember being since before the house burned, since before grandpa died, before he was even hospitalized. I don't think I was even a fraction this happy when I attended Homecoming with Sephy and Devyn and the lot. And even though I'd literally just gotten in a major accident (internal bruising hurts like a BITCH), I was so happy to be back with the people I'd grown up with. I was so happy to be home.

I think... The last time I was this happy, she and I were living together, washing our hair in the sink in the morning because legit showers were pointless. We were cooking easy dinners because we didn't want to cook actual food. We were sitting for hours in front of the tv watching Sam and Dean be badass, and then watching Olivia and Peter and Walter -- and I mean, who doesn't love LSD in their coffee cake?!

She woke me up one morning. Early. Really freaking ohmigawdwhatthehellamIdoingawake early. Because she found a spider in the bathtub. I don't even remember if I killed it. xD; I just remember her shriek and me fumbling out of the bed all groggy and WTF and groaning about how it had better be good/someone had better be climbing in through the window.

I remember us discussing the Humanoid album Tokio Hotel released, talking about how we didn't like the techno and synthed vibe (I love that disc now, ironically). Us doing the Cupid Shuffle (and mixing it up in our own dorkish way), collapsing on the floor from dancing on one leg, then laughing because we simply couldn't breathe cause it hurt so much.

I remember Matt and how she would come and be the third wheel while he and I "dated". How she supported me even when we broke up.

I remember the haunted house, following that train of thought. Matt and AJ and that obnoxious little kid that played a zombie in the gym. The lady that swapped me jobs when the strobes started messing with my head. The creepy fog machine. The bodies that dangled from the ceiling in the gym/auditorium/cafeteria. The morgue. That creeeeeeepy room under the gym/cafeteria-place. My nurse room with the door that opened on its own. UGetting paid with cupcakes. Best paying job, EVER! We got to scare people and were PAID IN CUPCAKES AND SCARES.

Remember my hair? How short it was? It's so long now.

And then, of course, the Perseids. Laying on the deck in the back yard, trying to ignore the damn moon because it's so bright, dipping our legs up to our knees in the water as we search the sky for streaks of starshine. One of them flashed all the way across the sky. We watched it. The entire flash. And then we ended up making waffles one of those nights. It was right before senior year, and all the hell that caused, started. Do you remember? Do you remember how, after a while, we gave up makign wishes and just counted the falling stars? Remember that some of them looked so close we felt like we could reach up and grab them from the sky, if only we were quick enough?

Now, I don't even know.

All I know, the only thing that I know without any trace of doubt in my mind, is that I will miss her. I'm going to miss her so damn much that it isn't even funny. I would do anything to convince her to stay, and that's so selfish of me to say that, but it's true. I would do anything to keep her here, keep her close, close enough that we could meet up on the weekend, close enough that I can kidnap her for a bit, show her where I live now. Introduce her to my friends. Close enough that when I go back, she can too. Close enough that when I go to the lake with the male-half of my family, she can go, too. Close enough to remind me that I'm not alone.

And that's so very selfish.

Because she deserves this. She deserves to go out and have some fun and be free. Free from her family and free from her friends and free from her job and just free. She deserves a vacation where she doesn't have to do everything just so, a vacation where she's her own boss for a bit. She deserves a vacation where she can relax instead of being put under constant stress.

She deserves a chance to enjoy herself, because when she does make it to college (and I know she will; I've never doubted that), she won't have the time to goof off all the time. She'll be forced to mature in an instant and stay up all night and then go to classes on two hours of sleep. She'll be forced to fall into a healthier routine (or unhealthier, as my habits have proven?). And what little time she has no will poof, because college is so much harder than high school.

And that just sucks. Especially because there's always the chance that she'll stay up there and go to school. Not that I can blame her, cause, I mean, our state generally sucks when it concerns education. And her family gets on her nerves. No one would blame her for choosing to stay longer.

Which is why I have to do this now. She's leaving in a week, and I have so much to say.

So let me just begin with: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm sorry I let things stay like they did for so long.

I never hated you. I was angry, and I was so immature and so, so, so stupid. But I never hated you. I was mad. Jealous. I felt like I was losing you to pretty boys and Amelia.

But never, not even once, did I actually hate you.

You know me well enough to know that I simply don't have the patience or attention span to hate someone. Grudges, sure, but never hate.

So I'm sorry.

Several months too late, I know, but I want you to know. I still need to say it.

I need to make peace with this now, because some part of me feels like when you leave on Saturday, I'm going to lose you again. Maybe forever.

So if you find a chance, think about forgiving me?

Have fun. Take pictures. Keep a journal or a blog. Keep in touch. Smile more. Laugh often. Make friends.

Whatever you do, just stay safe. Cause I swear to god, if I get a call at three in the morning that you're drunk and dancing on a bartop, it's going to take me a LONG time to get up there to fetch and knock sense into you. Kidding. .... I'd do it over the phone.

Seriously though. Be safe. Have fun. Think of this as a vacation.

Just remember, we'll miss you.

Ich liebe dich. Wo ai ni. Je t'aime. Jeg Elsker Dig. Ti amo. Te amo. Ya tebya liubliu. Daisuki. Saranghae. I love you.

Let's make a promise to each other. Right now.

When the Perseids roll around, no matter where we are, no matter what we're doing, no matter if we're fighting over something completely stupid and asninine, when the Perseid showers roll through again, we call each other. And whether we're thirty minutes apart, or an hour apart, or eight hours apart, let's look to the sky and make a wish. Let's try to catch the falling starshine again. Let's do it together.

A Game Called "Self Doubt"

Hello again, world.

Unfortunately, this is not my review over the movie Beastly.

Why?

Because I’m pissed. My body is literally thrumming with anxiety and fury and a bit of depression.

My friends, the people that I thought I could depend on forever, bashed me in one of my weak moments.

They don’t seem to realize that I’m not the strongest person. The past six months have been hell for me. I lost the man I consider to be my father (though he was my grandfather by name), and then a month later my house burned down, taking everything with it. A month to the day later, the cat killed my hamster. Two-ish weeks later, they demolish our house without informing us. It was supposed to be my closer. And it’s gone. All of it. Now I can’t even salvage anything.

Not only that, but if you haven’t noticed from my occasional self-beatings, I hate myself. I am my own worst enemy. Literally. Every time I say something, that voice is in the back of my mind whispering about how I messed up this or screwed up that. It’s there when I’m smiling, telling me that happiness is an illusion. It’s there when I’m disheartened, feeding my self-loathing. It’s there in my moments of joy and bliss, worming its way in, telling me that I’m doing something wrong, that I shouldn’t be happy. It’s there when I’m headed to lunch or dinner, telling me that I’m fat, that I don’t need to eat, that if I eat, no one will like me because I’m fat. It’s there when I write, crossing out and marking my words with a red pen, leaving nothing untouched. It’s there when I stare in the mirror, telling me that they’re wrong, I’m not beautiful; I’m ugly.

Every guy that has ever called my beautiful has hurt me, be it physically, mentally, or emotionally.

So it any wonder that I’m so skittish around them now, even when I try my best to hide it?

And guys! The voice is always there, always snickering quietly, always and unendingly present when I’m near my guy friends. They don’t like me for me, guys only want sex/to get laid, they only want eye candy. And I know that’s not true. But sometimes the voice raises some valid points, and I can’t dispute them.

It is evident in my lack of sleep, my nightmares, the scars that I picked at while they were healing, the gouges and tears around my nails. It’s there. It’s always there, and if you look close enough, you can see it.

So I don’t understand why they can’t.

Knowing what you know now about my situation, take our conversation into consideration.

I was messing around on my phone, texting my friend Rachel because I was craving a roleplay, and I was thinking about asking her to start up a new one with me on one of our boards. My roommate stopped me and asked who I was texting, so I told her, “Just texted Facebook about our adventure and now I’m texting Rachel.” Our hallmate blinked dumbly, not knowing which Rachel I’d be talking to that late, so I clarified, “My friend Rachel, from California.” And I’m not sure who, though I think it was my roommate, said, “That’s impossible! You don’t have any friends.”

And it hurt.

Five words. Five tiny, insignificant little words, and they cut me to the bone.

I joked back about how “of course I had friends, they were my friends, too”. Then the hallgirl told me that she didn’t have to drive me there. She and my roommate could have left me back at the dorms. They could have left me behind while they went to get their ice cream. They didn’t have to take me, and they didn’t have to take me home either. (And good lord, had they left me there, I would have been in fine form. Would have sat in that shop, called mom and told her everything, then called one of the people I trust to come and get me. Then I would have talked to the Res Hall about moving my roommate out of my room.)

Maybe they realized they’d gone too far.

Suddenly, they were both joking about how they obviously loved me, or they wouldn’t have taken me with them in the first place. Hallgirl drove, after all.

I have my own car. I have gas. I have better music. I am a safer driver. I knew exactly where I was going. I could have driven myself. I could have gone to get the ice cream on my own. I wasn’t really hungry. I was tired and wanted to sleep. I had homework. I had things I could have stayed behind to do. But I didn’t. I figured it would be a good bonding experience. So I went.

And then that happened.

They didn’t seem to notice I was silent the entire way back. They didn’t notice that I was buried in my phone, my lifeline between Rachel, Shawn and I. They didn’t notice I was crying. They didn’t notice.

And if they did, they neither asked, nor made any move to fix it.

On the way back, I texted Rachel and, on impulse, a guy I trusted.

Rachel just told me she loved me and that they were wrong. She didn’t just love me as a friend, she loved me as a little sister, and that I shouldn’t let them be bitches and get to me.

His conversation was… Different.

Me-just-after-the-incident: Girls are vicious and cruel, especially to each other. Why do guys put up with us?
Guy-I-trust-enough-to-put-on-the-spot: Ha ha that’s an excellent question. I guess we figure the good qualities outweigh the bad. Or some are just horny.

He then inquired about why I’d asked and I informed him that some teasing and jokes hit a little too close to home. And he apologized. He did nothing wrong, and he apologized. After a bit of talking, he told me that maybe I should take a break from them and, when asked why, I should explain my position on things.

And I know they’re going to feel bad, and I honestly want them to, though it’s probably wrong of me, but still. I grew up among people that, looking back, were never really my friends. They usually wanted something from me. Or they bullied and harassed me. And in grade school, teachers never really notice anything like that, even when it’s happening in front of their very eyes. Unless there’s blood involved, of course.

Which is why Katie Krisp got in trouble in 5th grade for punching me. Which is why that kindergartener “with issues” got in trouble for giving me a concussion and nearly knocking me out in 4th grade.

Do you see the pattern?

No one cares unless there’s physical damage, and even then, it’s like, “Oh. They’re fighting. Whoops.”

Bunch of prigs.

In any case, middle school was better. I found people I could rely on, and we stuck together all through high school. But now that I’m a college student and I don’t live in the town with my family save for the weekends, I don’t see them. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. We…. We just have to deal with it.

In any case. It’s 1 am and I’m hungry for real food and flat out exhausted.

I have therapy in the morning, and you can bet that this will be coming up during it.

Ever yours,
And doubting herself more than ever,
The Night Thief

PS: You can bet I’m hugging him tomorrow. For making the voice shut up for a bit and for lending me the strength to be strong again, I could practically kiss him.

PPS: And yes, this is the guy I mention in the rant before this. Ironic, no?

PPPS: Thanks. I like helping and listening so if ya ever need to vent don’t hesitate to call or text. – I could swoon right now. Seriously. A guy that cares enough about people to listen? How in the world is he still single?

UPDATE!

I want to start updating this more regularly. :3

Instead of a post every other week or so, I'm thinking a post every couple days. Maybe sooner if there's more stuff going on.

So expect an entry/movie review tonight unless I'm swamped by school work.

So yeah. Beastly review tonight! Look forward to it! <3

Love, Your Own Worst Enemy

Did you know that if you stay away for more than 24 hours, your blood with have a blood alcohol level of .1? That you would be considered legally drunk?

Bet you weren’t expecting to hear that!

Oh, no lie, I wasn’t expecting it either. But that’s what I found out during lunch today.

Ironically, that brings me to my rant of the day.

Let's get started, shall me?

Dear Thief,

You absolute moron, what have you done?

With any one else, this would be funny, something to laugh over and tease about

I know you better than I care to admit.

This boy, should you reach out to let him know about all of...this...when he knows, he’s going to rip you apart. He’ll think you’re joking, like you do whenever you’re harassing the Preut. He’ll think it’s just a game, and he won’t be serious about it.

Besides, I’m sure you remember the last time you let someone know you liked them. Remember Jaren? He had a secret girlfriend for months, hiding her from everyone. She then had his son. And then he cheated on her. With someone that looked like you. When they were married, she was blond with lond hair. When you cut yours, hers disappeared, too. You feel so sorry for her, for him. For putting pressure on the two of them. And then there’s Seth. Remember him? The one that told you that you had nothing to live for because you weren’t a Christian? The one you pined after for years upon years upon years? The one that set you into the first stages of depression. The one that gave you a reason to hate yourself.

Yeah. Boys and you? Like fire and water. .... Flammable water.

You gave them another chance with....him. Hoping against all hope that he'd realize that maybe you wouldn’t be the same, that you understood how difficult living when your own worst enemy stalked your every action, word, and thought.

You can see for yourself how well that turned out. He considers you a friend, sure, but you’ll never be good enough for him.

And then there’s him. The new one. That one that makes me laugh and smile even when you want to curl up in a ball and sob in hysterics. The one that can switch between accents with enviable ease. The one that was so worried about the musical beign a failure (and how wrong he was!). The one who you harassed the first day into the new semester because he was the “new kid” in class.

Yeah. Him.

Please. Stop. Tell your heart to stop, to let the brain take control for a while. I’m tired of seeing you get hurt.

You’re falling hard, and you’re falling fast.

And God, it’s going to hurt when you hit the ground.

Why must you put yourself through this torture?

You don’t love yourself. you physically can’t bring yourself to. So how in the world can you even expect these people to love you when you can’t even love yourself? You know as well as I do that even if you could maintain a relationship, you would be worried that you weren’t good enough for him, or that you’re bringing him down. You’ll think that he’ll be better off without you. Then you’ll cut him lose and shove him away until he sees the real you.

So tell me, why are you doign this? Why are you subjecting yourself to this degrading state of mind? Why are you letting boys get to you? Why are you letting this hit you so damn hard?

I don’t know.

And I don’t think you do, either.

Do what you want. I know you will anyway. Your/my heart doesn’t listen to reason anyway.

Just remember to savor it. Savor what you have, because he’ll be gone in a year. And you’re never important enough for anyone to come back.

Please, be careful.

Love,
And I do love you,
Your Own Worst Enemy

Realization -- It Goes On

The past six months have been hell for me. Literally, a living, breathing hell.

First my grandfather is hospitalized, then I have a huge blow out with the person I considered my best friend. For a long while I was both depressed and suicidal. I hated myself. I hated my life. I wanted to die.

My depression medication was not helping at all. So I stopped taking it. Basically cold-turkey, though I told everyone that I'd weaned myself off of it. After that, I simply grit my teeth, grabbed on to the edge of sanity, and clung for dear life, pulling myself back up and over the edge bit by bit by itty bit.

For a while, I was a mess. But it was a secret. I hid my instability behind wide smiles and bright eyes.

And while other people would complain of how they couldn't go do this or that, or how they didn't think they were going to pass this assignment, or how they wanted in/out of a relationship, I just smiled and offered advice.

I viewed myself as a broken individual, one that no one really wanted around. And after my grandfather's death, it was even worse.

My mother cried. My aunt cried. My brother (who, upon the death of our grandmother five years previous, failed to understand she was gone forever) cried. They all cried. They had their moment of tears, of weakness. And I stood strong, a pillar of strength for them. And at their funeral, they flat out sobbed. Everyone cried.

I didn't. I still haven't.

Thanksgiving came and went, followed shortly after my Christmas. Both holidays were hard. Much harder than I'm willing to admit. But I was getting better. I was eating regularly again. I'd begun to smile again. I was taping together the pieces of my soul.

Then, the kicker.

My house, my home, the place I lived the most important years of my life, the place I'd lived in for nearly a decade.... Burned.

It caught fire, and it burned.

My life was in that building. All our pictures, the things grandma had given us before her death, our [mom's and my] degrees, every story I'd ever written from 7th grade to the present, my senior project, mom's figurines, the couch that I'd fallen asleep on so many times thsat it became my bed, the baby swing that Vaeh stayed in the first six weeks of her life while she lived with us. Three cats that had so many years ahead of them.

After that.... I lost it. Literally and figuratively.

I viewed myself as more than just broken. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who was shattered, a person who would never again be whole. I decided that no matter what I did, no one would ever love me. I couldn't even love myself, after all, so it made plenty of sense.

I still do.

I often forgot to eat, sometimes on accident, others on purpose. I indulged in a lesser known act of self-harm (accidentally): biting/gnawing at the cuticles around my finger nails.

I kept my prcarious grip on sanity through random acts of silly kindness

Today, I am a college student surviving 17 hours. I am clean, free of medication (excluding Vitamin C and a dose of naproxin sodium for my knee). I have a support group filled with people that care about me and my wellbeing. I'm in love. And?

I have come to a realization.

I will survive.

"In three words, I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It goes on."

Here's three more. "So will I."

So even if I hate myself right now, I'll come to terms with my hate some day. I'll come to terms with the fact that I can't love myself. Until then, I simply plan on surviving.

Ever yours,
and ready to sleep for a couple hours before piano,
The Night Thief

P.S. - In the coming days, I will be giving free hugs. :3

Oh, Tai Wan Mei [ Too Perfect ]

Consider my mind absolutely blown.

I mean, seriously. Literally. Implosion of fantastic freaking epicness. No words to describe the incredible that is Super Junior M’s new video.



If you didn’t know, Super Junior is a fantastic group, true facts and whatnot, but my heart lies with Super Junior M. .... No idea why. Mandarin Chinese is a freaking bitch to learn, as I heard from my friends who took it for interterm (I’m going to take it next year, I think). But the fact remains. Korean’s great. Super Junior’s amazing. But Super Junior M and Mandarin is absolutely fan-fucking-tastic. <3

So, after Hangeng’s fantastical fun times with SME (which, bee-tee-dubbs, he won the lawsuit after I don’t remember how long), they basically killed the whole Super Junior M subgroup. Of course, as all good ELFs knew (hell, I’m not even a hardcore fan, and I knew this as well as they did), SME would never let such a fantastic group die out.

This past Valentine’s Day, there was an announcement concerning Super Junior M.

So, for those not in the know, Siwon is now the leader (though many speculated the new leader would be Zhou Mi), Hyukjae and Sungmin joined SJM, and they released a sample of their music video. The actual disc is being released on the 25th.

The preview was hot.

Yesterday the actual video was released.

I just now watched it.

......

No words.

I think my brain melted.

I mean, seriously. Brain melt. Lack of function. Can barely string together coherent sentences now.

An overview of what I noticed:

Siwon; Hello again, Mr. Devout! You were never my favorite of the group, I’ll tell you now, but you still bring your own flavor to the song.

Kyuhyun; Oh, beloved Kyunkyun. Your voice is so pretty. x3 I mean, seriously. Epic pretty. You’ve really matured these past couple years.

Donghae; You’re still the most beautiful member. Hands down. And your voice is enough to make me melt. .... Before I go on a fangirl spree (and this is neither the time nor place), let me continue. I’ll fangasm later. Properly. Honest.

Hyukjae; YOU RAPPED IN ENGLISH! *childish squeal and flail here* And I can keep up with it! That just make me giggle. Helplessly. It’s kinda sad, really. But no matter! Welcome to SuJuM! Bee-tee-dubbs, you’re always be Hyukkie or Hyukjae to me. :3 Eunhuyk is just a stage name. <3

Sungmin; Hey, you’re new, too! And gosh, I’m loving the additional voice. You’re a wonderful addition to SuJuM, not just vocal-wise, but dance-wise, too. I’m looking forwad to hearing your contributions~

Ryeowook; Wookie, you dear and innocent soul. I love your voice. I always have. So sweet, so clear, and just so pretty! You and Kyunkyun, gosh. I’d love two hear a duet between the two of you.

Zhou Mi; Personally, I love your new look. .... Or maybe it’s not new. Maybe I’m just old. …. It happens. ANYWAY! Loved your hair. Seriosuly. Epic win on every front. And your voice~~ Mimi’s so pretty~~~

Henry; The youngest for last! X3 I used to never be able to tell you or Mimi apart. But I can now. There are several subtle differences in your voices. It’s fascinating. I truly hope you’re playing the violin on this upcoming album. They should showcase your talent. <3

Now that that’s done…

*insert mindless babble consisting of a mix of English, German, and gibberish*

...

Okay, I’m better now.

Honest.

And choir’s soon. Getting ready for octet testing. ....

And then a quick dinner before rushing back to the dorms to change into something nice for an interview.

I might get to become an RA next year. :3

*excited much*

Today’s been a good day, so I’m not too worried.

Anyway, choir in ten, and I need to run through the song that was supposed to be memorized last Thursday.

Much love to you all!

Ever yours,
and flailing quite dramatically, cause I’ve got SUJUM,
The Night Thief

PS: I got a hug today. From guy numba 2. Made me smile.

PPS: You-know-who and I have been talking. Like, legit talking. Can’t decide if that’s good or bad, so I’m going to decide it’s good until I’m proven otherwise.

PPPS: I made an 80 on a paper I forgot to write until the last minute. I threw it together last minute. With Magic and rainbows. And PASSED!

PPPPS: Ich habe das mit Zauber und Regenbögen zusammen geschmissen. That’s how you say „I threw it together with magic and rainbows“ in German. :D FYI and such.

PPPPPS: Okay. I’m leaving now. Honest. Look forward to my eventual rave/rant about Naka Kon and the raves I attended there. ..... Prepare for tears as well.