Happiness, like Hope, never sleeps

I don't even... Fuck. I don't even know what's going on right now. Seriously. I'm just so...

Tired. Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. Furious. Ashamed. Relieved. Sad. Sorry. Low.

This had been one of the best weekends of my life. I'm happier than I can remember being since before the house burned, since before grandpa died, before he was even hospitalized. I don't think I was even a fraction this happy when I attended Homecoming with Sephy and Devyn and the lot. And even though I'd literally just gotten in a major accident (internal bruising hurts like a BITCH), I was so happy to be back with the people I'd grown up with. I was so happy to be home.

I think... The last time I was this happy, she and I were living together, washing our hair in the sink in the morning because legit showers were pointless. We were cooking easy dinners because we didn't want to cook actual food. We were sitting for hours in front of the tv watching Sam and Dean be badass, and then watching Olivia and Peter and Walter -- and I mean, who doesn't love LSD in their coffee cake?!

She woke me up one morning. Early. Really freaking ohmigawdwhatthehellamIdoingawake early. Because she found a spider in the bathtub. I don't even remember if I killed it. xD; I just remember her shriek and me fumbling out of the bed all groggy and WTF and groaning about how it had better be good/someone had better be climbing in through the window.

I remember us discussing the Humanoid album Tokio Hotel released, talking about how we didn't like the techno and synthed vibe (I love that disc now, ironically). Us doing the Cupid Shuffle (and mixing it up in our own dorkish way), collapsing on the floor from dancing on one leg, then laughing because we simply couldn't breathe cause it hurt so much.

I remember Matt and how she would come and be the third wheel while he and I "dated". How she supported me even when we broke up.

I remember the haunted house, following that train of thought. Matt and AJ and that obnoxious little kid that played a zombie in the gym. The lady that swapped me jobs when the strobes started messing with my head. The creepy fog machine. The bodies that dangled from the ceiling in the gym/auditorium/cafeteria. The morgue. That creeeeeeepy room under the gym/cafeteria-place. My nurse room with the door that opened on its own. UGetting paid with cupcakes. Best paying job, EVER! We got to scare people and were PAID IN CUPCAKES AND SCARES.

Remember my hair? How short it was? It's so long now.

And then, of course, the Perseids. Laying on the deck in the back yard, trying to ignore the damn moon because it's so bright, dipping our legs up to our knees in the water as we search the sky for streaks of starshine. One of them flashed all the way across the sky. We watched it. The entire flash. And then we ended up making waffles one of those nights. It was right before senior year, and all the hell that caused, started. Do you remember? Do you remember how, after a while, we gave up makign wishes and just counted the falling stars? Remember that some of them looked so close we felt like we could reach up and grab them from the sky, if only we were quick enough?

Now, I don't even know.

All I know, the only thing that I know without any trace of doubt in my mind, is that I will miss her. I'm going to miss her so damn much that it isn't even funny. I would do anything to convince her to stay, and that's so selfish of me to say that, but it's true. I would do anything to keep her here, keep her close, close enough that we could meet up on the weekend, close enough that I can kidnap her for a bit, show her where I live now. Introduce her to my friends. Close enough that when I go back, she can too. Close enough that when I go to the lake with the male-half of my family, she can go, too. Close enough to remind me that I'm not alone.

And that's so very selfish.

Because she deserves this. She deserves to go out and have some fun and be free. Free from her family and free from her friends and free from her job and just free. She deserves a vacation where she doesn't have to do everything just so, a vacation where she's her own boss for a bit. She deserves a vacation where she can relax instead of being put under constant stress.

She deserves a chance to enjoy herself, because when she does make it to college (and I know she will; I've never doubted that), she won't have the time to goof off all the time. She'll be forced to mature in an instant and stay up all night and then go to classes on two hours of sleep. She'll be forced to fall into a healthier routine (or unhealthier, as my habits have proven?). And what little time she has no will poof, because college is so much harder than high school.

And that just sucks. Especially because there's always the chance that she'll stay up there and go to school. Not that I can blame her, cause, I mean, our state generally sucks when it concerns education. And her family gets on her nerves. No one would blame her for choosing to stay longer.

Which is why I have to do this now. She's leaving in a week, and I have so much to say.

So let me just begin with: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm sorry I let things stay like they did for so long.

I never hated you. I was angry, and I was so immature and so, so, so stupid. But I never hated you. I was mad. Jealous. I felt like I was losing you to pretty boys and Amelia.

But never, not even once, did I actually hate you.

You know me well enough to know that I simply don't have the patience or attention span to hate someone. Grudges, sure, but never hate.

So I'm sorry.

Several months too late, I know, but I want you to know. I still need to say it.

I need to make peace with this now, because some part of me feels like when you leave on Saturday, I'm going to lose you again. Maybe forever.

So if you find a chance, think about forgiving me?

Have fun. Take pictures. Keep a journal or a blog. Keep in touch. Smile more. Laugh often. Make friends.

Whatever you do, just stay safe. Cause I swear to god, if I get a call at three in the morning that you're drunk and dancing on a bartop, it's going to take me a LONG time to get up there to fetch and knock sense into you. Kidding. .... I'd do it over the phone.

Seriously though. Be safe. Have fun. Think of this as a vacation.

Just remember, we'll miss you.

Ich liebe dich. Wo ai ni. Je t'aime. Jeg Elsker Dig. Ti amo. Te amo. Ya tebya liubliu. Daisuki. Saranghae. I love you.

Let's make a promise to each other. Right now.

When the Perseids roll around, no matter where we are, no matter what we're doing, no matter if we're fighting over something completely stupid and asninine, when the Perseid showers roll through again, we call each other. And whether we're thirty minutes apart, or an hour apart, or eight hours apart, let's look to the sky and make a wish. Let's try to catch the falling starshine again. Let's do it together.