The past six months have been hell for me. Literally, a living, breathing hell.
First my grandfather is hospitalized, then I have a huge blow out with the person I considered my best friend. For a long while I was both depressed and suicidal. I hated myself. I hated my life. I wanted to die.
My depression medication was not helping at all. So I stopped taking it. Basically cold-turkey, though I told everyone that I'd weaned myself off of it. After that, I simply grit my teeth, grabbed on to the edge of sanity, and clung for dear life, pulling myself back up and over the edge bit by bit by itty bit.
For a while, I was a mess. But it was a secret. I hid my instability behind wide smiles and bright eyes.
And while other people would complain of how they couldn't go do this or that, or how they didn't think they were going to pass this assignment, or how they wanted in/out of a relationship, I just smiled and offered advice.
I viewed myself as a broken individual, one that no one really wanted around. And after my grandfather's death, it was even worse.
My mother cried. My aunt cried. My brother (who, upon the death of our grandmother five years previous, failed to understand she was gone forever) cried. They all cried. They had their moment of tears, of weakness. And I stood strong, a pillar of strength for them. And at their funeral, they flat out sobbed. Everyone cried.
I didn't. I still haven't.
Thanksgiving came and went, followed shortly after my Christmas. Both holidays were hard. Much harder than I'm willing to admit. But I was getting better. I was eating regularly again. I'd begun to smile again. I was taping together the pieces of my soul.
Then, the kicker.
My house, my home, the place I lived the most important years of my life, the place I'd lived in for nearly a decade.... Burned.
It caught fire, and it burned.
My life was in that building. All our pictures, the things grandma had given us before her death, our [mom's and my] degrees, every story I'd ever written from 7th grade to the present, my senior project, mom's figurines, the couch that I'd fallen asleep on so many times thsat it became my bed, the baby swing that Vaeh stayed in the first six weeks of her life while she lived with us. Three cats that had so many years ahead of them.
After that.... I lost it. Literally and figuratively.
I viewed myself as more than just broken. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who was shattered, a person who would never again be whole. I decided that no matter what I did, no one would ever love me. I couldn't even love myself, after all, so it made plenty of sense.
I still do.
I often forgot to eat, sometimes on accident, others on purpose. I indulged in a lesser known act of self-harm (accidentally): biting/gnawing at the cuticles around my finger nails.
I kept my prcarious grip on sanity through random acts of silly kindness
Today, I am a college student surviving 17 hours. I am clean, free of medication (excluding Vitamin C and a dose of naproxin sodium for my knee). I have a support group filled with people that care about me and my wellbeing. I'm in love. And?
I have come to a realization.
I will survive.
"In three words, I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It goes on."
Here's three more. "So will I."
So even if I hate myself right now, I'll come to terms with my hate some day. I'll come to terms with the fact that I can't love myself. Until then, I simply plan on surviving.
Ever yours,
and ready to sleep for a couple hours before piano,
The Night Thief
P.S. - In the coming days, I will be giving free hugs. :3
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Oh, Tai Wan Mei [ Too Perfect ]
Consider my mind absolutely blown.
I mean, seriously. Literally. Implosion of fantastic freaking epicness. No words to describe the incredible that is Super Junior M’s new video.
If you didn’t know, Super Junior is a fantastic group, true facts and whatnot, but my heart lies with Super Junior M. .... No idea why. Mandarin Chinese is a freaking bitch to learn, as I heard from my friends who took it for interterm (I’m going to take it next year, I think). But the fact remains. Korean’s great. Super Junior’s amazing. But Super Junior M and Mandarin is absolutely fan-fucking-tastic. <3
So, after Hangeng’s fantastical fun times with SME (which, bee-tee-dubbs, he won the lawsuit after I don’t remember how long), they basically killed the whole Super Junior M subgroup. Of course, as all good ELFs knew (hell, I’m not even a hardcore fan, and I knew this as well as they did), SME would never let such a fantastic group die out.
This past Valentine’s Day, there was an announcement concerning Super Junior M.
So, for those not in the know, Siwon is now the leader (though many speculated the new leader would be Zhou Mi), Hyukjae and Sungmin joined SJM, and they released a sample of their music video. The actual disc is being released on the 25th.
The preview was hot.
Yesterday the actual video was released.
I just now watched it.
......
No words.
I think my brain melted.
I mean, seriously. Brain melt. Lack of function. Can barely string together coherent sentences now.
An overview of what I noticed:
Siwon; Hello again, Mr. Devout! You were never my favorite of the group, I’ll tell you now, but you still bring your own flavor to the song.
Kyuhyun; Oh, beloved Kyunkyun. Your voice is so pretty. x3 I mean, seriously. Epic pretty. You’ve really matured these past couple years.
Donghae; You’re still the most beautiful member. Hands down. And your voice is enough to make me melt. .... Before I go on a fangirl spree (and this is neither the time nor place), let me continue. I’ll fangasm later. Properly. Honest.
Hyukjae; YOU RAPPED IN ENGLISH! *childish squeal and flail here* And I can keep up with it! That just make me giggle. Helplessly. It’s kinda sad, really. But no matter! Welcome to SuJuM! Bee-tee-dubbs, you’re always be Hyukkie or Hyukjae to me. :3 Eunhuyk is just a stage name. <3
Sungmin; Hey, you’re new, too! And gosh, I’m loving the additional voice. You’re a wonderful addition to SuJuM, not just vocal-wise, but dance-wise, too. I’m looking forwad to hearing your contributions~
Ryeowook; Wookie, you dear and innocent soul. I love your voice. I always have. So sweet, so clear, and just so pretty! You and Kyunkyun, gosh. I’d love two hear a duet between the two of you.
Zhou Mi; Personally, I love your new look. .... Or maybe it’s not new. Maybe I’m just old. …. It happens. ANYWAY! Loved your hair. Seriosuly. Epic win on every front. And your voice~~ Mimi’s so pretty~~~
Henry; The youngest for last! X3 I used to never be able to tell you or Mimi apart. But I can now. There are several subtle differences in your voices. It’s fascinating. I truly hope you’re playing the violin on this upcoming album. They should showcase your talent. <3
Now that that’s done…
*insert mindless babble consisting of a mix of English, German, and gibberish*
...
Okay, I’m better now.
Honest.
And choir’s soon. Getting ready for octet testing. ....
And then a quick dinner before rushing back to the dorms to change into something nice for an interview.
I might get to become an RA next year. :3
*excited much*
Today’s been a good day, so I’m not too worried.
Anyway, choir in ten, and I need to run through the song that was supposed to be memorized last Thursday.
Much love to you all!
Ever yours,
and flailing quite dramatically, cause I’ve got SUJUM,
The Night Thief
PS: I got a hug today. From guy numba 2. Made me smile.
PPS: You-know-who and I have been talking. Like, legit talking. Can’t decide if that’s good or bad, so I’m going to decide it’s good until I’m proven otherwise.
PPPS: I made an 80 on a paper I forgot to write until the last minute. I threw it together last minute. With Magic and rainbows. And PASSED!
PPPPS: Ich habe das mit Zauber und Regenbögen zusammen geschmissen. That’s how you say „I threw it together with magic and rainbows“ in German. :D FYI and such.
PPPPPS: Okay. I’m leaving now. Honest. Look forward to my eventual rave/rant about Naka Kon and the raves I attended there. ..... Prepare for tears as well.
I mean, seriously. Literally. Implosion of fantastic freaking epicness. No words to describe the incredible that is Super Junior M’s new video.
If you didn’t know, Super Junior is a fantastic group, true facts and whatnot, but my heart lies with Super Junior M. .... No idea why. Mandarin Chinese is a freaking bitch to learn, as I heard from my friends who took it for interterm (I’m going to take it next year, I think). But the fact remains. Korean’s great. Super Junior’s amazing. But Super Junior M and Mandarin is absolutely fan-fucking-tastic. <3
So, after Hangeng’s fantastical fun times with SME (which, bee-tee-dubbs, he won the lawsuit after I don’t remember how long), they basically killed the whole Super Junior M subgroup. Of course, as all good ELFs knew (hell, I’m not even a hardcore fan, and I knew this as well as they did), SME would never let such a fantastic group die out.
This past Valentine’s Day, there was an announcement concerning Super Junior M.
So, for those not in the know, Siwon is now the leader (though many speculated the new leader would be Zhou Mi), Hyukjae and Sungmin joined SJM, and they released a sample of their music video. The actual disc is being released on the 25th.
The preview was hot.
Yesterday the actual video was released.
I just now watched it.
......
No words.
I think my brain melted.
I mean, seriously. Brain melt. Lack of function. Can barely string together coherent sentences now.
An overview of what I noticed:
Siwon; Hello again, Mr. Devout! You were never my favorite of the group, I’ll tell you now, but you still bring your own flavor to the song.
Kyuhyun; Oh, beloved Kyunkyun. Your voice is so pretty. x3 I mean, seriously. Epic pretty. You’ve really matured these past couple years.
Donghae; You’re still the most beautiful member. Hands down. And your voice is enough to make me melt. .... Before I go on a fangirl spree (and this is neither the time nor place), let me continue. I’ll fangasm later. Properly. Honest.
Hyukjae; YOU RAPPED IN ENGLISH! *childish squeal and flail here* And I can keep up with it! That just make me giggle. Helplessly. It’s kinda sad, really. But no matter! Welcome to SuJuM! Bee-tee-dubbs, you’re always be Hyukkie or Hyukjae to me. :3 Eunhuyk is just a stage name. <3
Sungmin; Hey, you’re new, too! And gosh, I’m loving the additional voice. You’re a wonderful addition to SuJuM, not just vocal-wise, but dance-wise, too. I’m looking forwad to hearing your contributions~
Ryeowook; Wookie, you dear and innocent soul. I love your voice. I always have. So sweet, so clear, and just so pretty! You and Kyunkyun, gosh. I’d love two hear a duet between the two of you.
Zhou Mi; Personally, I love your new look. .... Or maybe it’s not new. Maybe I’m just old. …. It happens. ANYWAY! Loved your hair. Seriosuly. Epic win on every front. And your voice~~ Mimi’s so pretty~~~
Henry; The youngest for last! X3 I used to never be able to tell you or Mimi apart. But I can now. There are several subtle differences in your voices. It’s fascinating. I truly hope you’re playing the violin on this upcoming album. They should showcase your talent. <3
Now that that’s done…
*insert mindless babble consisting of a mix of English, German, and gibberish*
...
Okay, I’m better now.
Honest.
And choir’s soon. Getting ready for octet testing. ....
And then a quick dinner before rushing back to the dorms to change into something nice for an interview.
I might get to become an RA next year. :3
*excited much*
Today’s been a good day, so I’m not too worried.
Anyway, choir in ten, and I need to run through the song that was supposed to be memorized last Thursday.
Much love to you all!
Ever yours,
and flailing quite dramatically, cause I’ve got SUJUM,
The Night Thief
PS: I got a hug today. From guy numba 2. Made me smile.
PPS: You-know-who and I have been talking. Like, legit talking. Can’t decide if that’s good or bad, so I’m going to decide it’s good until I’m proven otherwise.
PPPS: I made an 80 on a paper I forgot to write until the last minute. I threw it together last minute. With Magic and rainbows. And PASSED!
PPPPS: Ich habe das mit Zauber und Regenbögen zusammen geschmissen. That’s how you say „I threw it together with magic and rainbows“ in German. :D FYI and such.
PPPPPS: Okay. I’m leaving now. Honest. Look forward to my eventual rave/rant about Naka Kon and the raves I attended there. ..... Prepare for tears as well.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Three Birds with One Stone ;; A Human Moment
Hello, world!
It snowed again. I'm absolutely furious, if you haven't already guessed. .... Though, those of you know know me, yeah. You probably know. And you're probably just as annoyed/bothered/furious. Way to be fantastic like that. <3
In any case, I have the burning urge to rant and ultimately bitch about something. And because I have several topics at my disposal.... LET'S PESTER THE ROOMIE AND GET HER OPINION!! XD
Possible topics: Family, classes, snow/winter, high schoolers, Chanticleer's director and the master class (whish ties to high schoolers), the music lab, human rights, Valentine's Day, you-know-who/love, the house, Twilight (which ties to high schoolers and the master class), Chanticleer, piano, smart people who transfer out of classes and leave you hanging (BRIANTHISMEANSYOU!>|)
Me: HEY! =D Picky two numbers between..... *counts* One and fourteen! :3
Roomie: ..... What?
Me: Pick two numbers between one and fourteen?
Roomie: ..................... Four.
Me: And?
Roomie: ........................... Twelve.
Me: *type, type, type* Fouuuurrrr....and.....twelve. Hmmmmmm...... *counting them out* High schoolers~ aaand..... Chanticleer!
Roomie: ..... *blank stare, obviously thinking something like, ‘what is my wingnut roommate up to now?’
Me: Wanna pick another~~~?
Roomie: ............. Seven.
Me: AND VALENTINE’S DAY! WIN. *does a dance*
Roomie: ................................... *casually ignores, resumes her activities on the laptop*
Me: *eventually decides that ranting/raving about Chanticleer might be better left for a day when it’s been a good day, that she can’t rant over high schoolers without opening the can of worms labelled “Chanticleer’s director” and “Twilight”, and that she should do Valentine’s Day on....of course....Valentine’s Day, and so she chooses topics 1, 3, 8, and whatever else happens to strike her fancy*
So, let it begin.
First, to the issue of the snow.
I have, as you can see below, prepared a haiku to winter/snow that covers my feelings quite nicely. :3 Enjoy.
Snow so blinding white
Obnoxious, cold, and freezing
Go fucking die now.
Great, isn’t it?
This, everyone, is what my college tuition is going to. Crappy haikus about snow. *insert nods here*
.... Okay, actually, my tuition is going towards my learning of state cities to use in litany poems. xD; I have Nebraska. .... Which I should be working on right now. Talk. About. Fail. But I’m really tired.... I’ll probably end up finishing it in the morning simply because I’m so tired right now that I’m probably misspelling things.
.... Crap. My lip is bleeding. From two different places. ... Wait, maybe three. *rolls eyes, facepalms* I need to yank myself from this habit before I tear my lip open, or something. ... Actually, I need a worry stone. .............. My worry stone was at the house. ..................... I need a new worry stone. I should go to the park or the cemetery or something and fine one. Or maybe back behind chapel. .... If it weren’t so snowy.
GAH! And here’s the snow again, ruining my life and plans.
Oh well. I’ll just... I’ll manage. Maybe I’ll make one. .... Or. Maybe I’ll just keep gnawing at my lip.
[/insert rant on how gnawing at my lip is self-destructive behavior and how I’m secretly in need of help and other fun things]
OKAY. THAT BEING DONE.
Onto my next rant. ..... Topic isssss....
Family.
God. Sometimes, I really hate that word. Other times I love it, but right now I’m hating it.
As some people have come to notice, I’ve been attempting to distance myself somewhat from my family, as I kinda need the air to breathe. Otherwise, my family would simply drive me insane, To the point of no return.
I’ve already freaked out my roommate several times by simply stomping out of the room to mash around on a piano over there ( piano with pedals, which my keyboard does not have). I’ve worried both her and several others in my hall as well as the guy I like. I have panic attacks all the time now. I’ve stopped eating breakfast. When I eat lunch or dinner, I usually have ceral or salad (of course, sometimes the food seriosuly just sucks). I go for late walks at night with my camera. I’ve been roleplaying a lot, mainly with the roomie and Rachel (which, by the way, Luce and Kaylee are still hellishly adorable, holyfreakingcrap). I don’t sleep much at night, and when I sleep, it’s never a good sleep. Too light. And... The smoke. I smell it all the time now, an endless reminder of what I saw and what I’ll always remember. I doubt I could sit by a campfire without having another panic attack.
.... Okay, wait. Maybe some of this behavior of mine is somewhat self-destructive. .... It’s not my fault that this is how I deal with things. After being verbally and mentaly abused by the male half of my Rental Units (one of the reasons why I’m actually quite afraid of trusting myself in the company of guys, as I fear they’re like my male Rental Until [hereby known as MRU]) ever since the divorce, I’ve had this thing about letting people see how weak I am. If I’m not strong... Well, I’m screwed. If I’m not strong, I’ve failed myself. And usually I’ve failed other people as wel.
I’m prideful. I admit it. I have pride, and I have a lot of it. I also have an incredibly low self-esteem. Why? Because when you’re called fat by your father enough, and when your mother calls you stupid and worthless enough, you begin to start believing them. I went through a phase back in my early years of high school where I didn’t eat at all during the day. I skipped breakfast because it messed with my meds, lunch (provided by the cafeteria) sucked rocks, and I never had any appetite at dinner, especially if I was at MRU’s.
The first place I found a family outside of my blood relatives was in my high school’s choirs. They were my family. Though it wasn’t often, we talked. Often as a group. If we ever needed someone to talk to individually, our director was there, and my senior year when I was a part of Project X, we all were closer than ever because we shared and we were literally family. We took care of each other.
Other than the choirs, I found “family” in a ragtag group of brats that I still consider very much to be my family. They were my underclassmen and a couple that happened to be in my own age group. But most were all younger than me, ironically. And yet, we were family. We were a close knit group of people that, regardless of our intrests and backgroups, we loved each other, and we took care of our own.
But today’s not that day to get started on Alex. Not today. It still hurts when I think about it too much.
After high school, after leaving behind everything to attend college, I didn’t expect to join another family. But I did. Maybe they recruited me. Maybe I recruited them. Either way, after half of a semester, I found myself closer to a grupf of girls than I’d ever been with practically anyone. After a whole semester and into interterm, I found out who I could really count on. When my house was burning, when my life was shattering around me, I found who my family was. It wasn’t my brother who made my mother cry, it wasn’t my mother who yelled at me for getting revenge, it wasn’t my aunt.
It was the girls of my hallway, the ones that constantly badgered my to-be-roomie for information regarding what was happening. It was those girls that left messages saying they missed me on Facebook. It was those girls who met me the day I came back, hugging me so tight I could barely breathe.
Main Floor East Side Irwin Girls, forever. <3
So, family. Blood is thicker than water, true enough, but sometimes you find that “family” isn’t always defined by the people you’re related to by blood. If home is where the heart is, then family is the people you care about who care about you.
These girls are my family, and my dorm room here at Baker, surrounded by people I love and who love me, this is my home.
[/rant]
[rant=you-know-who]
And I don’t mean Voldemort.
I don’t understand. Or... I do, but I don’t.
You’re so strong. You’re one of the strongest people I know, so why do you do this to yourself? Why do you hurt yourself like this, telling yourself that you’re not good at something when you are, that you’re stupid or worthless when you’re not? Why do you continue with this, living a miserable existance when there are people that only want to see you happy again. They want you to be happy, to see your smie and know that you’re actually okay.
No matter how many times you say that I don’t know you, I think I know you better than you want to admit. I’m not stupid. Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I’m completely oblivious. Being blonde means I have to overcome a stereotype simply so that I can prove that I really am smart, that I deserve respect just as much as a girl with red hair, or a brunette.
I’ve seen you. I’ve seen you smile. I’ve seen you laugh. I’ve seen you looking like you were on top of the world. I’ve seen you on a bad day. I’ve seen you on a worse day. I’ve seen him, too.. i’ve met him, talked to him. I don’t see what the issue is. So he’s an ass. He’s just jealous of you. I’ve kept your secret. And though you may assume otherwise, I have no plans on telling anyone. I have no plans on calling you on it, saying something stupid or nasty about it.
You’ll say something, and I’ll counter it, and though you’ll say you did such-and-such, I’ll know that it’s creative truth. You’re not realy into destruction of property, and you know better than to destroy something that’s not yours, though you may jack it for a couple hours to tease me. And really, unless it’s my workbook and I need it, I don’t mind. Granted, I complain, but I know you’ll either give it back, or you’ll leave it somewhere for me to find.
So.... Just so you know, you can only say you’re evil and that I don’t know you a couple times before things like this happen. Like I said, I may be blonde, but I’m smart. I have a wad of random facts that I can spew out as a moment’s notice. I can take a man down with one of five easy-to-reach points on the body. Same with a woman. I can knock someone out. Gouge out an eye. Leap from a building or a bridge (but not Golden Gate; it’s the impact with the water that kills you). Ram a car. Make my own lipbalm. Diagnose alcohol poinsoning. Treat a gunshot wound.
I’m not stupid. And I don’t fall for the same trick more than once or twice.
You’re you, just as I’m me and my roommie is your sibthing. We are who we are, and we can’t change that. So don’t try to. Be yourself. Be who you want to be without fearing what thers are saying. You never know, maybe that’s all that you ever really needed.
I love you. I wish I could say this to your face. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could simply ask for a moment to be human and hug you, I wish I could tell you. But I’m a coward.
Way to fail, me. Way. To. Fail.
In any case, I think I’m going to go to bed. I’m exhausted.
Ever Yours,
and wishing, thought not for the first time, for a “human moment” of her own,
The Night Thief
It snowed again. I'm absolutely furious, if you haven't already guessed. .... Though, those of you know know me, yeah. You probably know. And you're probably just as annoyed/bothered/furious. Way to be fantastic like that. <3
In any case, I have the burning urge to rant and ultimately bitch about something. And because I have several topics at my disposal.... LET'S PESTER THE ROOMIE AND GET HER OPINION!! XD
Possible topics: Family, classes, snow/winter, high schoolers, Chanticleer's director and the master class (whish ties to high schoolers), the music lab, human rights, Valentine's Day, you-know-who/love, the house, Twilight (which ties to high schoolers and the master class), Chanticleer, piano, smart people who transfer out of classes and leave you hanging (BRIANTHISMEANSYOU!>|)
Me: HEY! =D Picky two numbers between..... *counts* One and fourteen! :3
Roomie: ..... What?
Me: Pick two numbers between one and fourteen?
Roomie: ..................... Four.
Me: And?
Roomie: ........................... Twelve.
Me: *type, type, type* Fouuuurrrr....and.....twelve. Hmmmmmm...... *counting them out* High schoolers~ aaand..... Chanticleer!
Roomie: ..... *blank stare, obviously thinking something like, ‘what is my wingnut roommate up to now?’
Me: Wanna pick another~~~?
Roomie: ............. Seven.
Me: AND VALENTINE’S DAY! WIN. *does a dance*
Roomie: ................................... *casually ignores, resumes her activities on the laptop*
Me: *eventually decides that ranting/raving about Chanticleer might be better left for a day when it’s been a good day, that she can’t rant over high schoolers without opening the can of worms labelled “Chanticleer’s director” and “Twilight”, and that she should do Valentine’s Day on....of course....Valentine’s Day, and so she chooses topics 1, 3, 8, and whatever else happens to strike her fancy*
So, let it begin.
First, to the issue of the snow.
I have, as you can see below, prepared a haiku to winter/snow that covers my feelings quite nicely. :3 Enjoy.
Snow so blinding white
Obnoxious, cold, and freezing
Go fucking die now.
Great, isn’t it?
This, everyone, is what my college tuition is going to. Crappy haikus about snow. *insert nods here*
.... Okay, actually, my tuition is going towards my learning of state cities to use in litany poems. xD; I have Nebraska. .... Which I should be working on right now. Talk. About. Fail. But I’m really tired.... I’ll probably end up finishing it in the morning simply because I’m so tired right now that I’m probably misspelling things.
.... Crap. My lip is bleeding. From two different places. ... Wait, maybe three. *rolls eyes, facepalms* I need to yank myself from this habit before I tear my lip open, or something. ... Actually, I need a worry stone. .............. My worry stone was at the house. ..................... I need a new worry stone. I should go to the park or the cemetery or something and fine one. Or maybe back behind chapel. .... If it weren’t so snowy.
GAH! And here’s the snow again, ruining my life and plans.
Oh well. I’ll just... I’ll manage. Maybe I’ll make one. .... Or. Maybe I’ll just keep gnawing at my lip.
[/insert rant on how gnawing at my lip is self-destructive behavior and how I’m secretly in need of help and other fun things]
OKAY. THAT BEING DONE.
Onto my next rant. ..... Topic isssss....
Family.
God. Sometimes, I really hate that word. Other times I love it, but right now I’m hating it.
As some people have come to notice, I’ve been attempting to distance myself somewhat from my family, as I kinda need the air to breathe. Otherwise, my family would simply drive me insane, To the point of no return.
I’ve already freaked out my roommate several times by simply stomping out of the room to mash around on a piano over there ( piano with pedals, which my keyboard does not have). I’ve worried both her and several others in my hall as well as the guy I like. I have panic attacks all the time now. I’ve stopped eating breakfast. When I eat lunch or dinner, I usually have ceral or salad (of course, sometimes the food seriosuly just sucks). I go for late walks at night with my camera. I’ve been roleplaying a lot, mainly with the roomie and Rachel (which, by the way, Luce and Kaylee are still hellishly adorable, holyfreakingcrap). I don’t sleep much at night, and when I sleep, it’s never a good sleep. Too light. And... The smoke. I smell it all the time now, an endless reminder of what I saw and what I’ll always remember. I doubt I could sit by a campfire without having another panic attack.
.... Okay, wait. Maybe some of this behavior of mine is somewhat self-destructive. .... It’s not my fault that this is how I deal with things. After being verbally and mentaly abused by the male half of my Rental Units (one of the reasons why I’m actually quite afraid of trusting myself in the company of guys, as I fear they’re like my male Rental Until [hereby known as MRU]) ever since the divorce, I’ve had this thing about letting people see how weak I am. If I’m not strong... Well, I’m screwed. If I’m not strong, I’ve failed myself. And usually I’ve failed other people as wel.
I’m prideful. I admit it. I have pride, and I have a lot of it. I also have an incredibly low self-esteem. Why? Because when you’re called fat by your father enough, and when your mother calls you stupid and worthless enough, you begin to start believing them. I went through a phase back in my early years of high school where I didn’t eat at all during the day. I skipped breakfast because it messed with my meds, lunch (provided by the cafeteria) sucked rocks, and I never had any appetite at dinner, especially if I was at MRU’s.
The first place I found a family outside of my blood relatives was in my high school’s choirs. They were my family. Though it wasn’t often, we talked. Often as a group. If we ever needed someone to talk to individually, our director was there, and my senior year when I was a part of Project X, we all were closer than ever because we shared and we were literally family. We took care of each other.
Other than the choirs, I found “family” in a ragtag group of brats that I still consider very much to be my family. They were my underclassmen and a couple that happened to be in my own age group. But most were all younger than me, ironically. And yet, we were family. We were a close knit group of people that, regardless of our intrests and backgroups, we loved each other, and we took care of our own.
But today’s not that day to get started on Alex. Not today. It still hurts when I think about it too much.
After high school, after leaving behind everything to attend college, I didn’t expect to join another family. But I did. Maybe they recruited me. Maybe I recruited them. Either way, after half of a semester, I found myself closer to a grupf of girls than I’d ever been with practically anyone. After a whole semester and into interterm, I found out who I could really count on. When my house was burning, when my life was shattering around me, I found who my family was. It wasn’t my brother who made my mother cry, it wasn’t my mother who yelled at me for getting revenge, it wasn’t my aunt.
It was the girls of my hallway, the ones that constantly badgered my to-be-roomie for information regarding what was happening. It was those girls that left messages saying they missed me on Facebook. It was those girls who met me the day I came back, hugging me so tight I could barely breathe.
Main Floor East Side Irwin Girls, forever. <3
So, family. Blood is thicker than water, true enough, but sometimes you find that “family” isn’t always defined by the people you’re related to by blood. If home is where the heart is, then family is the people you care about who care about you.
These girls are my family, and my dorm room here at Baker, surrounded by people I love and who love me, this is my home.
[/rant]
[rant=you-know-who]
And I don’t mean Voldemort.
I don’t understand. Or... I do, but I don’t.
You’re so strong. You’re one of the strongest people I know, so why do you do this to yourself? Why do you hurt yourself like this, telling yourself that you’re not good at something when you are, that you’re stupid or worthless when you’re not? Why do you continue with this, living a miserable existance when there are people that only want to see you happy again. They want you to be happy, to see your smie and know that you’re actually okay.
No matter how many times you say that I don’t know you, I think I know you better than you want to admit. I’m not stupid. Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I’m completely oblivious. Being blonde means I have to overcome a stereotype simply so that I can prove that I really am smart, that I deserve respect just as much as a girl with red hair, or a brunette.
I’ve seen you. I’ve seen you smile. I’ve seen you laugh. I’ve seen you looking like you were on top of the world. I’ve seen you on a bad day. I’ve seen you on a worse day. I’ve seen him, too.. i’ve met him, talked to him. I don’t see what the issue is. So he’s an ass. He’s just jealous of you. I’ve kept your secret. And though you may assume otherwise, I have no plans on telling anyone. I have no plans on calling you on it, saying something stupid or nasty about it.
You’ll say something, and I’ll counter it, and though you’ll say you did such-and-such, I’ll know that it’s creative truth. You’re not realy into destruction of property, and you know better than to destroy something that’s not yours, though you may jack it for a couple hours to tease me. And really, unless it’s my workbook and I need it, I don’t mind. Granted, I complain, but I know you’ll either give it back, or you’ll leave it somewhere for me to find.
So.... Just so you know, you can only say you’re evil and that I don’t know you a couple times before things like this happen. Like I said, I may be blonde, but I’m smart. I have a wad of random facts that I can spew out as a moment’s notice. I can take a man down with one of five easy-to-reach points on the body. Same with a woman. I can knock someone out. Gouge out an eye. Leap from a building or a bridge (but not Golden Gate; it’s the impact with the water that kills you). Ram a car. Make my own lipbalm. Diagnose alcohol poinsoning. Treat a gunshot wound.
I’m not stupid. And I don’t fall for the same trick more than once or twice.
You’re you, just as I’m me and my roommie is your sibthing. We are who we are, and we can’t change that. So don’t try to. Be yourself. Be who you want to be without fearing what thers are saying. You never know, maybe that’s all that you ever really needed.
I love you. I wish I could say this to your face. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could simply ask for a moment to be human and hug you, I wish I could tell you. But I’m a coward.
Way to fail, me. Way. To. Fail.
In any case, I think I’m going to go to bed. I’m exhausted.
Ever Yours,
and wishing, thought not for the first time, for a “human moment” of her own,
The Night Thief
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Universal Declaration of Human Rights
Hello one, hello all!
If you haven't already realized, I survived the fabled "snow"pocalypse, the "snow"mageddon, the blizzard of 2011. Whatever they're calling it. I survived. And I actually went out to play around in it (snowball fight where we could barely see a foot away from ourselves, much less who we were throwing snow at).
But I'm getting off subject.
I've brought you another fantastic rant. Love me. <3
So today for your reading pleasure, I'm going through another of my LS class assignments.
So here today we have "The Universal Declaration of Human Rights". And because I'm going to take pity on you all, I'll just summarize all thirty articles before I make my points known.
Article 1 - All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.
Article 2 - Everyone has freedom and rights given to them the moment they are born, no matter their race, color, gender, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status. No distinction shall be made because of these things or because of their country, no matter what kind country it may be. Fuck not with these rights.
Article 3 - Everyone has right to life, freedom, and security.
Article 4 - No one shall be put into slavery or servitude. Slavery is forbidden.
Article 5 - No one shall be subjected to torture or cruel, inhuman punishment or treatment. [Hey, Egypt? Yeah, this is for you. STFU now, bitches and give the people what they want.]
Article 6 - Everyone has a right to recognition, no matter where they are because they are a person.
Article 7 - No discrimination. Everyone is equally protected from discrimination.
Article 8 - Everyone has a right to a tribunal [court of justice] if they screw up and violate the rights given to them.
Article 9 - No one shall be subjected to arbitrary [irresponsible; undetermined] arrest, detention [the act or state of being detained], or exile.
Article 10 - Everyone is entitled to an equal and fair public hearing an an impartial court to determine whether he/she is guilty or not.
Article 11 - 1)) Everyone is innocent until proven guilty under a court of law. 2)) If you get in trouble for one thing, you won't have a heavier penalty imposed if you're brought to court fifty years later than the one you'd had when the crime was committed. AND you cannot be accused of an offense if it wasn't an offense when you committed it.
Article 12 - No one shall be subjected to arbitrary [irresponsible; undetermined] interference with their privacy, family, home, or correspondence, nor to attacks on a person's honor or reputation. Everyone has the right to protection by the law. Basically: Fuck not with other people if you don't have a good reason.
Article 13 - 1)) everyone has a right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state. 2)) everyone has the right to leave any country, including their own, and to return to their country.
Article 14 - 1)) Everyone has the right to seek and enjoy protection/sanctuary from persecution in other countries. 2)) This right is null and void if you commit a non-political crime....or if you screw with the United Nations and their principles.
Article 15 - 1)) Everyone has a right to a nationality. 2)) No one shall be deprived of a nationality no denied the right to change their nationality.
Article 16 - 1)) Men and women of age, without limitation due to race, nationality, or religion, have the right to marry and have a family. They are entitled to equal rights of marriage, during marriage, and at its dissolution [the undoing or breaking of a bond;; in this case "divorce"]. 2)) Marriage must be consenting. 3)) The family is part of society and is entitled to protection by society and State.
Article 17 - 1)) Everyone has the right to own property both alone and with other people. 2)) No one gets to fuck with this right. Period.
Article 18 - Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscious, and religion; this includes the right to change their religion or belief. They also have the freedom to teach, preach, worship, or simply observe this religion.
Article 19 - Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to have opinions and to seek and receive information and ideas through the media, regardless of frontiers [limits].
Article 20 - 1)) Everyone has their right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association. [Egypt....this is, once again, for you.] 2)) No one may be forced to join an association.
Article 21 - 1)) Everyone has the right to take part in their government either directly or through chosen representatives. 2)) Everyone has equal right to public service. 3)) The will of the people is the basis of the government. Meaning? People are to elect their reps.
Article 22 - Everyone, as a member of society, has a right to social security.
Article 23 - 1)) Everyone has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and fair conditions of work, and to protection against unemployment. 2)) Everyone has a right to equal pay. 3)) Everyone who works has a right to just and fair remuneration [compensation], ensuring themself and their family a dignified existence and supplemented, if necessary, by other means of social protection. 4)) Everyone has the right to form an join trade unions to protect themselves.
Article 24 - Everyone has the right to rest and relaxation, including reasonable working hours and some holidays with pay.
Article 25 - 1)) Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health, well-being of themself and their family, including food, clothing, housing, and medical care and social services if necessary, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age, of other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond their control. 2)) Mothers and kids are entitled to special care and assistance. All children shall be given the same social protection.
Article 26 - 1)) Everyone has a right to education. 2)) Education shall promote understanding, tolerance, and friendhsip among all nations, racial, or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Nations for the maintenance of peace. 3)) Parents have the right to choose what kind of education to give to their children.
Article 27 - 1)) Everyone has the right to participate in a community, to enjoy the arts and share in advancements and their benefits. 2)) Everyone has a right to protection of moral and material interests of anything they have created or written. Basically? No plagiarizing.
Article 28 - Everyone is entitled to have their rights fulfilled by a social and international order.
Article 29 - 1)) Everyone has duties in the community so they can be free and prosper. 2)) Treat others how you want to be treated. Don't go and abuse your rights or there will be consequences. 3)) Your rights and freedom may not be used in a manner that will contradict/annoy the United Nations. Anger not the UN.
Article 30 - Nothing in this epic-speech-thingy may be interpreted in a manner that allows you or anyone else to go and engage in an act or activity that aims to destroy any of these rights or freedoms.
Overall: Treat others how you want to be treated. You are innocent until proven guilty. Leave the UN alone and they'll leave you alone. But most importantly: Fuck not with these rights, neither yours nor someone else's.
So you get what I'm saying, everyone?
Basically, I'm saying that this says we're all human. We're all equal. We're all in this together. Stop fucking with your peers, take a stand, make a voice for yourself and the others around you.
27 million people in this world are enslaved at this moment. We could be doing something to prevent this. These articles prove as much.
So why aren’t we?
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
'cause you wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now
Ever Yours,
The Night Thief
If you haven't already realized, I survived the fabled "snow"pocalypse, the "snow"mageddon, the blizzard of 2011. Whatever they're calling it. I survived. And I actually went out to play around in it (snowball fight where we could barely see a foot away from ourselves, much less who we were throwing snow at).
But I'm getting off subject.
I've brought you another fantastic rant. Love me. <3
So today for your reading pleasure, I'm going through another of my LS class assignments.
So here today we have "The Universal Declaration of Human Rights". And because I'm going to take pity on you all, I'll just summarize all thirty articles before I make my points known.
Article 1 - All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.
Article 2 - Everyone has freedom and rights given to them the moment they are born, no matter their race, color, gender, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status. No distinction shall be made because of these things or because of their country, no matter what kind country it may be. Fuck not with these rights.
Article 3 - Everyone has right to life, freedom, and security.
Article 4 - No one shall be put into slavery or servitude. Slavery is forbidden.
Article 5 - No one shall be subjected to torture or cruel, inhuman punishment or treatment. [Hey, Egypt? Yeah, this is for you. STFU now, bitches and give the people what they want.]
Article 6 - Everyone has a right to recognition, no matter where they are because they are a person.
Article 7 - No discrimination. Everyone is equally protected from discrimination.
Article 8 - Everyone has a right to a tribunal [court of justice] if they screw up and violate the rights given to them.
Article 9 - No one shall be subjected to arbitrary [irresponsible; undetermined] arrest, detention [the act or state of being detained], or exile.
Article 10 - Everyone is entitled to an equal and fair public hearing an an impartial court to determine whether he/she is guilty or not.
Article 11 - 1)) Everyone is innocent until proven guilty under a court of law. 2)) If you get in trouble for one thing, you won't have a heavier penalty imposed if you're brought to court fifty years later than the one you'd had when the crime was committed. AND you cannot be accused of an offense if it wasn't an offense when you committed it.
Article 12 - No one shall be subjected to arbitrary [irresponsible; undetermined] interference with their privacy, family, home, or correspondence, nor to attacks on a person's honor or reputation. Everyone has the right to protection by the law. Basically: Fuck not with other people if you don't have a good reason.
Article 13 - 1)) everyone has a right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state. 2)) everyone has the right to leave any country, including their own, and to return to their country.
Article 14 - 1)) Everyone has the right to seek and enjoy protection/sanctuary from persecution in other countries. 2)) This right is null and void if you commit a non-political crime....or if you screw with the United Nations and their principles.
Article 15 - 1)) Everyone has a right to a nationality. 2)) No one shall be deprived of a nationality no denied the right to change their nationality.
Article 16 - 1)) Men and women of age, without limitation due to race, nationality, or religion, have the right to marry and have a family. They are entitled to equal rights of marriage, during marriage, and at its dissolution [the undoing or breaking of a bond;; in this case "divorce"]. 2)) Marriage must be consenting. 3)) The family is part of society and is entitled to protection by society and State.
Article 17 - 1)) Everyone has the right to own property both alone and with other people. 2)) No one gets to fuck with this right. Period.
Article 18 - Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscious, and religion; this includes the right to change their religion or belief. They also have the freedom to teach, preach, worship, or simply observe this religion.
Article 19 - Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to have opinions and to seek and receive information and ideas through the media, regardless of frontiers [limits].
Article 20 - 1)) Everyone has their right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association. [Egypt....this is, once again, for you.] 2)) No one may be forced to join an association.
Article 21 - 1)) Everyone has the right to take part in their government either directly or through chosen representatives. 2)) Everyone has equal right to public service. 3)) The will of the people is the basis of the government. Meaning? People are to elect their reps.
Article 22 - Everyone, as a member of society, has a right to social security.
Article 23 - 1)) Everyone has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and fair conditions of work, and to protection against unemployment. 2)) Everyone has a right to equal pay. 3)) Everyone who works has a right to just and fair remuneration [compensation], ensuring themself and their family a dignified existence and supplemented, if necessary, by other means of social protection. 4)) Everyone has the right to form an join trade unions to protect themselves.
Article 24 - Everyone has the right to rest and relaxation, including reasonable working hours and some holidays with pay.
Article 25 - 1)) Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health, well-being of themself and their family, including food, clothing, housing, and medical care and social services if necessary, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age, of other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond their control. 2)) Mothers and kids are entitled to special care and assistance. All children shall be given the same social protection.
Article 26 - 1)) Everyone has a right to education. 2)) Education shall promote understanding, tolerance, and friendhsip among all nations, racial, or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Nations for the maintenance of peace. 3)) Parents have the right to choose what kind of education to give to their children.
Article 27 - 1)) Everyone has the right to participate in a community, to enjoy the arts and share in advancements and their benefits. 2)) Everyone has a right to protection of moral and material interests of anything they have created or written. Basically? No plagiarizing.
Article 28 - Everyone is entitled to have their rights fulfilled by a social and international order.
Article 29 - 1)) Everyone has duties in the community so they can be free and prosper. 2)) Treat others how you want to be treated. Don't go and abuse your rights or there will be consequences. 3)) Your rights and freedom may not be used in a manner that will contradict/annoy the United Nations. Anger not the UN.
Article 30 - Nothing in this epic-speech-thingy may be interpreted in a manner that allows you or anyone else to go and engage in an act or activity that aims to destroy any of these rights or freedoms.
Overall: Treat others how you want to be treated. You are innocent until proven guilty. Leave the UN alone and they'll leave you alone. But most importantly: Fuck not with these rights, neither yours nor someone else's.
So you get what I'm saying, everyone?
Basically, I'm saying that this says we're all human. We're all equal. We're all in this together. Stop fucking with your peers, take a stand, make a voice for yourself and the others around you.
27 million people in this world are enslaved at this moment. We could be doing something to prevent this. These articles prove as much.
So why aren’t we?
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
'cause you wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now
Ever Yours,
The Night Thief
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