Love, Your Own Worst Enemy

Did you know that if you stay away for more than 24 hours, your blood with have a blood alcohol level of .1? That you would be considered legally drunk?

Bet you weren’t expecting to hear that!

Oh, no lie, I wasn’t expecting it either. But that’s what I found out during lunch today.

Ironically, that brings me to my rant of the day.

Let's get started, shall me?

Dear Thief,

You absolute moron, what have you done?

With any one else, this would be funny, something to laugh over and tease about

I know you better than I care to admit.

This boy, should you reach out to let him know about all of...this...when he knows, he’s going to rip you apart. He’ll think you’re joking, like you do whenever you’re harassing the Preut. He’ll think it’s just a game, and he won’t be serious about it.

Besides, I’m sure you remember the last time you let someone know you liked them. Remember Jaren? He had a secret girlfriend for months, hiding her from everyone. She then had his son. And then he cheated on her. With someone that looked like you. When they were married, she was blond with lond hair. When you cut yours, hers disappeared, too. You feel so sorry for her, for him. For putting pressure on the two of them. And then there’s Seth. Remember him? The one that told you that you had nothing to live for because you weren’t a Christian? The one you pined after for years upon years upon years? The one that set you into the first stages of depression. The one that gave you a reason to hate yourself.

Yeah. Boys and you? Like fire and water. .... Flammable water.

You gave them another chance with....him. Hoping against all hope that he'd realize that maybe you wouldn’t be the same, that you understood how difficult living when your own worst enemy stalked your every action, word, and thought.

You can see for yourself how well that turned out. He considers you a friend, sure, but you’ll never be good enough for him.

And then there’s him. The new one. That one that makes me laugh and smile even when you want to curl up in a ball and sob in hysterics. The one that can switch between accents with enviable ease. The one that was so worried about the musical beign a failure (and how wrong he was!). The one who you harassed the first day into the new semester because he was the “new kid” in class.

Yeah. Him.

Please. Stop. Tell your heart to stop, to let the brain take control for a while. I’m tired of seeing you get hurt.

You’re falling hard, and you’re falling fast.

And God, it’s going to hurt when you hit the ground.

Why must you put yourself through this torture?

You don’t love yourself. you physically can’t bring yourself to. So how in the world can you even expect these people to love you when you can’t even love yourself? You know as well as I do that even if you could maintain a relationship, you would be worried that you weren’t good enough for him, or that you’re bringing him down. You’ll think that he’ll be better off without you. Then you’ll cut him lose and shove him away until he sees the real you.

So tell me, why are you doign this? Why are you subjecting yourself to this degrading state of mind? Why are you letting boys get to you? Why are you letting this hit you so damn hard?

I don’t know.

And I don’t think you do, either.

Do what you want. I know you will anyway. Your/my heart doesn’t listen to reason anyway.

Just remember to savor it. Savor what you have, because he’ll be gone in a year. And you’re never important enough for anyone to come back.

Please, be careful.

Love,
And I do love you,
Your Own Worst Enemy